This darkness is intrusive and ugly and I am all discomfort because of its threatening stare
It harbingered her inevitable decline and death, and I cannot escape its shadow shrouding me and mine
Nothing I can do to avoid this vale
But my Shepherd knows this place well
This place of the lifeless skull
Though overwhelmed by impending brutality to His fragile body, and though He cried out for deliverance from the dark and the fatal
He stayed his feet from flight and raised unclenched palms to the true Sovereign
Resisting, not His tormentors, not his executors, but rather his every instinct for disobedient self-preservation in order to submit to God’s inscrutable will
I’ve heard it said that “the world has yet to see what God will do with a man fully consecrated to Him,” but none can surpass the submission of the Scarred Savior
His scars make Him the most beautiful of any being because they speak of His real compassion for totally inferior beings
They proclaim His docile deference to His Abba’s authority
They decree that the domain of darkness is not unbounded, for that old enemy death is now and will be abolished, rendered ineffective, made null and void
Death along with every other enemy of Christ will be repurposed and subjected to being a footstool for His feet
He opened not His mouth on trial in his own defense, so we the redeemed will forever open our mouths to shout out our adoration
His death was not the end, but was a beginning unmatched in grandeur
My mom, who died young, will be resurrected and redeemed by the early death of her Messiah
To us losing her feels unbearable and causeless
A wound that will only partially heal in this lifetime
But darkness is not dark to Him. The night is as bright as the day
His wounds will heal ours
His insufferable death secured life eternal for her and every last one of His sheep
And He knew this would be the outcome, but still He wept over the destruction of those He longed to protect and hold close like a mother hen with her baby chicks
So we’ll weep with shuddering breaths and rending hearts, but not like those who have no hope
When I am spellbound with sorrow I strain to hope for what I do not see (Rom 8:25)–the consolations of the God of all comfort (2 Cor 1:3-5). For You are not scrounging up something to take the edge off my pain. You have not been dismayed to find Your supply of solaces dwindling. No. Quite the opposite. Your limitless supply of joys to be elatedly experienced dwarfs all the griefs that have pierced my soul. Your ocean of good to be tasted and seen overwhelmingly outweighs the comparative droplets of despairs that all humanity has encountered (Rom 8:18). Because good and evil are not even equal matches for each other, despite all earthly appearances.
Yes, the splintered wreckage of sin starting east of eden spans every square inch of this planet, but Your reign encompasses galaxies of planets innumerable. Your love is coextensive with the incalculable height of space (Ps 36:5). Yes, a written history of all the vile and vicious deeds that we’ve done could fill a library, but to record Your graces on paper would deforest the earth and be inadequate still. Yes, all of creation has been groaning with the pangs of childbirth (Rom 8:22) every second of every century since that dreadful iniquitous Fall, but You have millions of millennia and timelessly more at Your disposal to undeniably outweigh that heaviness.
A (very) wise woman of God once told me, “Doubt God-ward,” and here’s why I couldn’t agree or resonate with that more. What we both mean by that is to fight. Fight to keep going TO God in prayer with painful honesty about every doubt you have. And boy is it a fight, but the absolute worst thing you can do with doubt is to cut yourself off from God in your anger and bitterness, though it certainly is the easiest thing and the thing you’re probably longing to do. Don’t stop your spiritual disciplines–reading the Word, worshiping, praying, etc.. I have never regretted reverently baring my soul to the Lord, but I sure have regretted turning away from Him, even though I felt self-righteously justified in doing so at the time. You probably feel like your soul is living in limbo and like your trust in the Lord is being stripped away, but I’m telling you, “you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” God is not afraid of your blackest doubts. He’s not phased by it. Your questions do not change His unalterable character. And if you are in Christ, You will find in the end that your deepest fears about Him not being real, or being cruel, or in any way not being Who He said He was were so unfounded. You will one day confess with perfect, unhesitating certainty that He is Good and trustworthy and Love (Mark 10:18). And please, if you know someone who is battling doubts, pray hard for and be extra kind and tender toward them, because it’s scalding and scary when your whole worldview is under fire. There sure is a reason Scripture says “be MERCIFUL to those who doubt” (Jude 22-24). I distinctly remember the gentleness and compassion I was shown by my aunt and by a pastor during a dark, doubt-filled night of the soul and out of all of the responses I got those two brought me to tears and just meant the world to me. Also, do some research into the questions that are eating at them as well as the bigger picture questions like the evidence for the Bible so you can connect them to the right resources. It is probably frightening for you too to see a loved one be so rocked by skepticism, but take care to remember that they have a Good Shepherd and Guardian of their soul (1 Peter 2:25) who is power-fully able to bring the strays safely back into the fold, back into His arms. He did it for me, and I have full faith that He can do the same for you. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. ❤ (And I didn’t just say that to wrap this post up in a nice, neat little bow, I said that because He has taken me from being a constant “doubting Thomas” (John 20:24-29) who was so wise in her own eyes (Prov 3:7) to being intellectually satisfied and utterly convinced that Scripture is God-breathed and of the supremacy and phenomenal LOVE of Christ, who is God.) Take a few minutes to read the Scriptures below, it’ll nourish your soul and make this post make a lot more sense.
“And Jesus said to him, “Why do you call Me good? No one is good except God alone.” Mark 10:18
“I am the good shepherd.” John 10:11
“For you were continually straying like sheep, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls.” 1 Peter 2:25
“24 But Thomas, one of the twelve, called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came. 25 So the other disciples were saying to him, “We have seen the Lord!” But he said to them, “Unless I see in His hands the imprint of the nails, and put my finger into the place of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe. 26 After eight days His disciples were again inside, and Thomas with them. Jesus *came, the doors having been shut, and stood in their midst and said, “Peace be with you.” 27 Then He *said to Thomas, “Reach here with your finger, and see My hands; and reach here your hand and put it into My side; and do not be unbelieving, but believing.” 28 Thomas answered and said to Him, “My Lord and my God!” 29 Jesus *said to him, “Because you have seen Me, have you believed? Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed. 30 Therefore many other signs Jesus also performed in the presence of the disciples, which are not written in this book; 31 but these have been written so that you may believe that Jesus is [h]the Christ, the Son of God; and that believing you may have life in His name.” John 20
“7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the Lord and turn away from evil.
8 It will be healing to your [a]body
And refreshment to your bones.” Proverbs 3:7-8
“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,” 2 Timothy 3:16
“He is also head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything.” Colossians 1:18, regarding Christ’s supremacy
“But of the Son he says, “Your throne, O God, is forever and ever, the scepter of uprightness is the scepter of your kingdom.” Hebrews 1:8, regarding Jesus’ Divinity
Dear God over every strange sea creature in the Mariana Trench (Genesis 1:20), over every rainbowed ray of light in the Aurora Borealis, over every ephemeral moment of every life (James 4:14), I want to use this moment of this life to bless Your Name (Psalm 103:1). Because at Your blessing, scarcity multiplied into abundance (Matt 14:19-21). At Your Word nothingness leapt into vitality (John 1:1-3, Gen 1:3,9,11,14-15 etc.). You know not only the number of the stars, but their names (Ps 147:4). You know the topography of every far-flung planet like you know the back of my hand, every groove of my fingerprints and every hair on my head (Lk 12:7). And suddenly, sized up against your omnipresence, I start to feel very, very small. I guess I’ve been that way all along, just with a bloated sense of self and a nearsighted scope of sight. You are incomprehensible in your understanding (Is 55:9), yet took on a clueless baby brain to learn obedience (Phil 2:5-7, Heb 5:8). Your love is to us and goes for us above and beyond what we could ask, think or imagine (Ps 36:5, Eph 3:20). It’s better than life itself (Ps 63:3). You are the Creator of the cosmos, yet created yourself confined to save sinners. You detest sin (Heb 1:9), yet befriended serial sinners (Matt 11:19). You taught us to set down our stones and took the stoning for us (John 8:7). You are sinless, yet sin-bearing (2 Cor 5:21). Slow to get angry (Ex 34:6, etc), not slow to bear the anger of the Judge against my treasons (Rom 5:9). My betrayals. My lawlessness (1 John 3:4). You have healed my infirmities, delivered me out of the hands of evil men, forgiven my darkest secrets, broken my addictions, fortressed me out of reach of demonic attackers, and taught me every good thing I know. You have given me bravery instead of fear, truth instead of deception, friendship instead of isolation, nurture instead of abuse, salvation instead of condemnation. And the list goes on, because You are ever-beneficent towards people who can be of no benefit to You. Even every pain You did not spare me from made me more like Jesus (Rom 8:28-29). So I, in my powerlessness to repay You (Rom 11:35), will just extol You (Ps 30:1), hoping that others would hear and put their trust in the One who is worthy of it (Ps 62:8). Help me to adorn Your already-exquisite Gospel with good works (Titus 2:10), and to compellingly speak of You to people whose hearts have never been graced with the knowledge of Your glorious goodness in Christ (2 Cor 4:6). And Lord, You said, “But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love” (1 Cor 13:13) so grant me this trifecta of virtue, especially the crowning jewel of love for You and Yours. Amen.
Oh God, today I remember Your greatness and recount your lovingkindnesses. Both are spectacular. (Psalm 103:2)
The light of your countenance has banished forever the gloom of my adversary. (Psalm 89:15)
You have betrothed me to yourself. (Hosea 2:19-20) I glow because You love me.
Slow to anger, abounding in lovingkindness is my Jesus. (Psalm 145:8)
You are not easily offendable; Your durable patience outlasts my offenses.
It is fitting to acknowledge the Lord. It feels right to show some appreciation. (Psalm 92:1)
Your promises are precious and magnificent, those descriptors are apt indeed. (2 Peter 1:4)
Your ethics are blameless (Psalm 18:30); Your divinity is unparalleled (Jeremiah 10:6).
Who is a Prophet like You, declaring the end from the beginning? (Isaiah 46:9-10) Nothing and no one comes close to omniscience.
You became a man of sorrows, yet Your joy is unscathed. (Isaiah 53:3) PTSD and all pain will pass away at the advent of the new heavens and new earth. (Revelation 21:4) We will walk through the fire, and exit it without the smell of smoke.
My failures are countless and incalculable, as are your acquittals. Your mercies are inexhaustible toward those in Christ. You are the God of continuous second chances. It goes without saying that this can be frighteningly abused, but you don’t rethink your policy of Grace because people are creeps (self included). You admonish and exhort us to shun sin instead. (Romans 6)
All your ways are utterly impeccable. I would say you have a heart of gold, but it’s much more tender than that. (Psalm 78:40)
I love you, Lord. Which says a lot more about You than it does about me. Your love is perpetually preceding my own watery imitations. (1 John 4:19)
You are the only being who thinks rightly about Yourself. And everything else.
So, oh that You would inspire my heart to discipline itself to be godly. (1 Timothy 4:7) To seek Your approval in becoming a workman who doesn’t need to be ashamed. (2 Timothy 2:15) Rid me of my idiocies, my sins, and clothe me in love, above all. (Colossians 3:14) Grant me, oh God, a heart that trembles at Your Word (Isaiah 66:1-2), that blesses you every day, now and till eternity. Amen. (Psalm 145:2)
awaiting awakening 